Two images, two seemingly irreconcilable ideas: maximal "ism" and minimalism. In my limited experience the first is characterized by pomp and circumstance, certainty, confidence and the extremes of expression. The second, defined by uncertainty, doubt, humility, silence, and mindfulness. As a person who is consistently inconsistent, bouncing off the extremes with reckless abandon, it is easy for me to exalt one over the other depending on my disposition at the time.
Currently, I am enthusiastically maximal. From over communicating, to over compensating, finding, as Kanye West would say "bravery in my bravado." A tweet from yesterday exemplifies my mind set well, "Humility and modesty are overrated, the only thing that will get you anywhere in this life is your head, your heart and a brim full of swag."
As I juggle skyscrapers of possibilities, I feel that the only way to persevere and have some sort of success is by jumping into the swimming pool that is the world, naked, arms tucked over my legs, legs tucked into my chest regardless of the temperature of the pool. Reactionary always, retreating never, deflecting doubt and trepidation by perspiring and never tiring. Sleepless nights, insomnia, drunkenness, full throttle, empty bottles, swiveled head, and kaleidoscopic eyes.
Yes, this all seems dizzying, but this is how I fight of the demons of doubt and fear whenever I need the mojo to propel through the world.
Its a reactionary stance. More like, a reactionary sprint. If I were a font, I would be bold comic sans. Sloppy and loud. Yet, I fee that there is something redemptive, healing, in my "brimful of swag."
I remember an interview with Justin Vernon(A.K.A. Bon Iver) in which he mentioned Kanye West's influence on his thinking, particularly in respect to humility. As Vernon put it, "Kanye hates the word 'humble. And after I spent time with him, I don't use that word anymore. He got really angry with me and asked me, 'Have you ever looked at the definition of that word? It's borderline self-loathing.' It really made me think. I don't want to be humble. I want to have humility."
Being humble versus having humility. At first glance they seem like the same thing. I mean, what is the difference between "having" and "being." To have, seems to connotate possession. While, being, you could argue insinuates a sort of possession itself. Yet, being also has a sort of attachment to it. A bond of sorts, something unmitigated by time. Thus, the phrase "To be or not to be" is forever glorified as the existential statement of the English renaissance, yet, "To have or not to have" would surely not garner the respect that the previous statement has.
So being, may be a sort of a burden, a weight, a responsibility, a freckle on the face of your existence, by which your existence is hinged. While, having is disposable, easily abandoned and forgotten.
That being said, to have humility, is like having a light saber. At times, it is a weapon to fight off the poisonous ego that haunts our consciousness like the devil in ole' time religion.
Yet, as we know, walking around with light sabers or pencils pointed up is a dangerous thing. There comes a time where we need to dispose of our apparatus, and pick up something else to navigate through the world. Luke Skywalker had to know when to use the force, or when to wield the saber.
As do we.
And in regards to humility, it is important to abort it at times when we need our bravado. When we need our strength, when we need certainty. When humility isnt enough to get over "this."
Maybe they can live in harmony, humility and confidence.
Maximal and minimal.
But, I think that there are circumstances where they need to work alone. Where you need to be big, be bold, and be brilliant. And times where your need to be small, intuitive, and silent. Maybe the remedy is temperance. Restraint, knowing when to reel in the humility and the confidence. Being cognizant of their powers, and understanding the importance of timing.
Timing is everything. Modesty must serve as your understudy wherever you go, in order to remind you that in extremes lie death and death alone. Obliteration of light. Of being.
So, everything must be layered in modesty. Sprinkled with it. Or else we will die.
Instead of a dance between humility and confidence, how about a circle. A trinity of friends. Self-supporting one another. And always leading them back to the circle whenever they need reprieve from walking in isolation.
Maybe, just maybe, I can accept both sides of the coin that is me. And pray that modesty never leaves me.
Music: Bon Iver -The Wolves
